Uuuuuugggggggggghhhhhh

Oh, dear. Maybe he IS weaning... I don't know. I'm feeling really sad about this today, not to mention TOTALLY confused. I have no idea what's going on with Chickie! Last night, he wouldn't nurse in the middle of the night... he tried for a while, but then screamed and refused, so guess what? Yeah, I had to f-ing PUMP at 3 a.m. Pumping in the middle of the night is definitely up there on the list of things that really suck BIG time. FWIW, he nursed this morning when he woke up, so who knows.

I talked to Gail (LC who has saved my life and boobs about 80 million times since day 8 of Chickie's life-- really) last night, and she seemed to think that it's a phase/teething/some issue and NOT weaning-- she said that if he was weaning, he probably wouldn't latch at all in the first place. Hmmmmm. She said to stick with this routine of trying to nurse and pumping every 8 hours or so for a few days and to see what happens.

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

I'm starting to psych myself out, I think, and I DO know that nursing, and especially let-downs, are really mental for me, and the longer I go without good, consistent nursing, the less confident I get, and the worse it gets, because my body won't cooperate if I'm not confident (ah, the parallels between let-downs and orgasms are really endless... and that's another post...)

I guess everything with me (and with everyone, right??) is about control. When I was pregnant, I really started learning about letting go and realizing that I wasn't in control-- my body was-- and ever since Chickie was born, dude, talk about an exercise in learning to let go. I think my problem is that I really haven't learned that lesson yet, and while I know it takes time, I really need to figure out how to fucking LET GO.

So, yes, one day I will wean Chickie (he's not going to breastfeed down the aisle...), so I asked myself how I would ideally have that happen-- and I come back to the control thing. I don't like the idea (clearly) of his deciding that he doesn't want to nurse anymore, especially when I still have milk to give him. I don't like the idea of my body just not producing milk anymore (duh, totally normal-- I'm not going to be a fucking cow forever) and weaning him that way-- with him fussing and crying for milk. So, of course, I want to do it when I want to do it-- by gradually decreasing the number of times that I feed him each day. I want to do it when I feel like I'm ready, and I know that's not realistic... after all, there are 2 people in this equation, right?

We'll see how it goes. After all (and I need to remind myself of this every time I inhale), breastfeeding is temporary, but my relationship with Chickie is permanent, and this is only one small piece of his life, right? Really trying to see the bigger picture here. After all, the day will come, right? So what if it's today?