Oh, shit. We're having another baby. Yeah, I just said that.
I am so unbelievably thrilled to pieces at the thought of holding my little girl in my arms, and I can't wait to meet her and hold her and tell her I love her. I can't wait to hold a little bundle in my arms and nurse her and rock her to sleep.
In many ways, I'm much less scared this time, especially less scared of labor and delivery and of life with a newborn. The crazy unknown of much of it just isn't there this time. And I guess that's why I'm having the "oh, shit" moment-- because I know how hard it's going to be. Honestly, the idea of caring for a newborn doesn't freak me out-- I know it'll suck and it's really hard and you don't sleep and everything hurts. But I don't know how I'm going to just relax and sleep when the baby sleeps and surrender to the whole having a newborn thing (which, in my humble opinion, is the best survival tactic) while my insanely active toddler runs around screaming and demands constant attention. How do people do it? Will Dan sleep on the couch so that I can nurse the baby all night and he will be rested during the day to deal with Chickie? I know we'll figure it out...
My biggest "oh, shit" feeling is related to my job. Before I was in the position that I'm currently in, I did general sexual health education in the same office. I found out I was pregnant a week after I accepted the job, so the second I started that job, I knew the clock was ticking. I did the best I could considering I was pregnant and didn't have a ton of energy, and I worked up until the last working day before Chickie was born, but then I was gone for 15 weeks and came back part time and didn't want to work at night (understandable-- hard to do that when I was already pumping 3 times a day and wanted to go home and nurse my baby!) I chose to put my child first and consequently sacrificed a lot at work, and I never felt like I was a real success at that job.
When I switched positions last June, I finally felt like I had found my niche. And I didn't just switch positions, either-- I created my current job and the program I run. At the risk of tooting my own horn (Heaven forbid, right?), I think it's a pretty big deal. My boss basically convinced a bunch of senior level deans that the school needed a Program for Violence Prevention and Response, and they decided to fund it and my position. Up til now, the program has been a success-- it's been great to be able to respond to survivors and launch huge campaigns like Sexual Assault Awareness Week. And, the more visibility we have, the more visibility we have-- universities work by word of mouth, and if people know me and trust me, more people will know me and trust me and my service will grow. If my service grows, those senior deans will have to renew funding when it's time to do so in a couple years.
But I'm having another baby, and I feel like I'm putting this job in jeopardy. While I'm gone, the sexual health educator will cover emergent issues and crises that come up (e.g. survivors who need advocacy services or need to connect with resources right away), so it's not like people will be left hanging, but I feel like the success of the program has been my good name, in a way. I just don't people to think, "Oh, there was that person, and she was cool, but then she went and had a baby, so I don't know what's going on anymore..." I definitely felt that vibe when I came back form maternity leave with Chickie. I'm going to do everything I can between now and August to make sure that all transitions are seamless, but I can't help but worry about it.
I always seem to come back to the feeling that the choices we have to make as parents are often shitty choices-- no matter what we choose, we wind up feeling punished, somehow. I know it'll work out, and as I always say to myself, "It's just work", but still-- it sucks to feel like I could lose what I worked really hard to achieve.
4 comments:
your worry shows how committed you are to the work you do. and if it shows here- it shows at work. you will do the best...and probably better than most because you have done this before.
Wow, I think Natalia said it best! I agree 100% with her. You will cope with having two kids the same way you coped with having one. You muddle through, make a few mistakes, and then get into a routine that works for your family. Pretty soon, you are going to have a hard time remembering your life without your little girl! Sorry to hear about your work worries. As a stay- at-home mom, it's something I don't have to think about, but I can imagine how difficult it must be to feel that your program and what you have built from the ground up is at risk. I think you are going to do a great job of preparing for your absence and setting things up. You are so committed to your work that I know it will all work out!
I completely agree with Natalia and Kat. The deans et al would not have committed funding and support to this program if they did not have faith in you. Yes, it is built on your good name, but you are a capable networker and you can set up safeguards and backups who will triage and cope while you are out. It is your other baby, and your brainchild, but it will survive with the committment of the others whom you entrust to assist you. Many programs of this sort only survive because of the very high quality and committment of the people, many who are volunteers, who work on them. I am so proud of you for having achieved what you have so far!
thanks for the encouragement, ladies! i think it will work out somehow... that's just the way things go. and i'm always just going to do the best i can, because what else can i do? i can't be all things to all people, so i just need to bust my butt at work and then let it go when the baby comes... and kat, i will definitely call you when i'm freaking out and don't know what to do with 2 babies!!
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