I wish I were one of those people who blogs and talks about joyous and funny things, but I'm really not. Well, I will tell you that Chickie is obsessed with saying "stinky poop" and "big stinky poop"-- he learned this at daycare, I swear-- I didn't teach him! But of course, I think it's hilarious.
But I really blog to complain and whine about stupid shit (stinky, big, small, you name it). Chickie has been tantrum central ever since he was sick a couple weeks ago, and while the tantrums are kind of getting better, they're also kind of not. I have sort of resigned myself to realizing that this is just what he's going through right now-- it's developmentally normal, and really, what can I do about it? There's not a lot I can do to prevent tantrums-- sure, I can give him crackers for breakfast when he asks for them, and I can let him run around in crowded parking lots when he demands, "Walk! Out stroller! Walk!!!" but clearly, that's just not happening, baby love. Sorry. Really, the only thing I can control is how I react to tantrums-- and truthfully, I think I've been doing an OK job of staying level-headed and not getting REALLY FREAKING MAD. And it's really freaking easy to get REALLY FREAKING MAD, as you moms know.
Anyway, my biggest gripe du jour is my work situation right now-- I tell you, I don't know how other moms seem to effortlessly balance their jobs and their kids and miraculously get everything done. (Maybe their husbands actually do either drop-off or pick-up-- that would help.) Anyway, the program I created and run at work may not be refunded by in-house University big-wigs because of all the economic fuckage. Before the program was funded by the school itself, a lot of the anti-violence work I did was funded by a Federal grant. The grant basically was a royal pain in the ass, as most federal grants are-- lots of red tape and bureaucracy, and very little room to actually get shit done (i.e. you can't use grant funds to pay for food. At a fucking college! How the hell are you supposed to get anything done if you can't offer food?? Don't the damn feds know that students don't do anything unless there's free pizza??)
So, anyway, we have to reapply for the damn grant even though we don't want to-- it's better than seeing the plug get pulled on years of work. Of course, the application is due really soon, and because our postponed vacation is happening this Saturday, I have to get it done NOW. My boss is doing a good bit of the writing as well, but I just feel like I don't have the mental space to do what I need to do well. I actually used to be a good writer, but that was when I was younger and was well-rested-- actually, that's a crock-- I was never well-rested when I was younger; I was just YOUNGER and could do anything, as long as I had a little Carlo Rossi and some Ben & Jerry's. College, anyone?
I have been trying to do a lot of work from home, and thankfully my office is flexible enough to allow that, but I do have to go into the office a couple days a week for meetings and crap. Of course, today I managed to forget that I had to present the results of my huge survey to the Committee on Student Health, and of course, I had nothing prepared and had about an hour to throw shit together and make it sound coherent. On top of everything, I had one of the clinicians at the meeting basically tell me that my results didn't mean much because we didn't ask whether respondents were in relationships/had sexual contact with men or women or both. Yeah, we should have asked that, but we should have asked about 800 other things, but our space was limited. I know he's right, but about a million people saw that survey and approved it before it went out, and I refuse to take the sole blame for the oversight.
ANYWAY
So, guess how much writing I got done today? Yeah. But I'll work from home tomorrow and put Chickie in daycare on Wednesday and keep cranking it out, but it's frustrating to feel like, once again, I'm just not good enough at the things I need to do. I feel like I COULD be really good at my job, but I'm only there part time and am so over-tired and distracted half the time, and I COULD be a more patient mom, but... well, I think I'm a pretty patient mom. Sometimes.
I guess my $64 question is, how do moms do the work-baby-life balance? Lots of caffeine? A super nanny? Do tell.
6 comments:
Wow! It sounds like life is REALLY crazy right now. I can't imagine how draining it is to be working and to be a mom. This is going to be a long week, huh? Countdown to Puerto Rico in progress for sure! I wish there was something I could do to help. I wish we lived closer so I could just hop on by with dinner or a stiff drink! I would TOTALLY pick up Chickie form daycare for you. So, let me know if I can help in any way. You are doing an amazing job and I am in complete awe of you! I know it doesn't always feel that way, but as an outside observer, I know you are fantastic. BTW, how come we did have SO much more energy in college? I'm like you...not sure how I stayed up so late, drank so much, partied my ass off and ate so much pizza! :)
the $64 question is, "how do moms GIVE THE ILLUSION that they are doing the work-baby-life balance?"
my husband is an asshole and is never around; however, due to the fact that BB's preschool is 2 minutes from his office, he drops him off and picks him up every day EXCEPT on days where he has to work late. on the rare occasion that i have to schlep across town and pick BB up from preschool, (always with the 2 1/2 yr old in-tow who insists on stealing items from the classroom every time she enters) i come across one of these mothers who GIVES THE ILLUSION that she is able to balance everything perfectly. she's always dressed perfectly, make up is fresh and she's always got a goddamn smile on her stupid motherfucking face. and she's always soooo nice to me. "how's BB doing?! beautiful weather!" or some shit.
except, one day i hadn't gone into the office and had been sitting around in sweats all day... asshole called me to pick up BB and i had to get there quickly, so i went dressed in baggy sweatpants and a tie-dyed RUSH concert t-shirt. she looked at me puzzled, "wow, THAT brings back some memories..." i said, meekly, "umm, i wasn't expecting to have to pick him up tonight. heh."
sorry for the tangent, but my point is - it is an illusion! we all have our challenges we face, but some of us like to pretend that every thing is peachy-keen. me? i prefer to "get it out there" and TALK ABOUT IT. just like you. :)
BTW I forgot to mention how TOTALLY annoying it is that one of the clinicians told you your survey was useless. It's like, hey, where were you when we were writing the damn thing? If you're so smart, why didn't you suggest that to begin with? Can't people just learn to keep there f-ing mouths shut? Seriously, no survey is ever going to be perfect and there are only so many questions you can ask on those things. Next time he fucks up, be sure to point it out to him! I'm sure he'll be really grateful...oh wait, was that mean? :)
thanks, ladies!
kat, thanks for your offer to help... i think we are doing OK. the countdown to PR is TOTALLY in effect! and yes, i have no idea how i did what i did in college, considering how much i drank, how much junk food i ate, and how little i slept. good times!
MOFM, you're totally right-- it's an illusion. i suck at creating the illusion and instead am a walking, talking birth control ad. my hair is always a mess, and there's always hummus caked into my sweater or a yogurt stain on my pants. and the moms with those annoying fucking smiles totally have flasks in their purses...
kat - no, totally not mean. totally DEAD ON. this guy has basically been disappointed in me ever since i started at my job because i'm not gay-- don't get me started-- and he's basically always looking for ways to point out how i "ignore" the LGBT community... because i'm such a fucking homophobic bigot. i tried to smile and point out that it was a NEEDS ASSESSMENT and therefore a jumping off point for subsequent projects, so maybe a good next step would be to look at intimate partner violence in the LGBT community at the school... ugggggg.
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