Brace yourself for navel-gazing. I don't do it much anymore, mainly because I'm running around after my tantrum-ing toddler and trying not to barf in my mouth, but I'm going to do it now.
I have had a million mixed feelings about this pregnancy. No, don't get me wrong-- I want to be pregnant, and pregnancy is such a blessing, and I feel so thankful to have life in my belly-- but it has made me face a few things that I don't want to think about. When you get married, you start to think more about family and what family means and what family means to you, and that increases by about 20-fold when you have kids. A lot of my issues about this pregnancy have to do with my family, I think.
I am an only child. I think my mom entertained the thought of having more kids, but her post-partum depression was so bad that my dad basically laid the kabosh on that idea because she was apparently so damn unbearable. Sounds like a blast for all. My dad's family is really spread out across the country, and while I have a couple cousins that I like and with whom I'm in sporadic contact, I'm not really close with anyone in that family. That said, they love to tell me exactly what they think and exactly what I should be doing (and what I'm doing wrong) when I see them. I love it.
I grew up being really close to my mom's mom and my mom's brother and sister-in-law. Of our 8 grandparents, my Grandma was the only one alive at Dan's and my wedding, and she's still alive today... just demented. Ah, Alzheimer's. It's funny, because we actually found out that she was losing her memory/mind at the time of my wedding-- long and sort of funny story for another time. Anyway, over the past few years, a custody battle of sorts has developed between my mom and my uncle (and really between my dad and aunt) over my Grandma's care.
To make a long, ugly story short, my mom and my uncle only speak through lawyers now. You can trace the events back and see if someone should have done something differently, but ultimately, it comes down to the fact that my aunt is a crazy, controlling woman who has a really nasty, black-hearted streak in her. It's weird, because she always had a lot of affection for me and even gave me a HUGE check to put towards the cost of my honeymoon, but she always had issues with my mom. When shit hit the fan with my Grandma's care, she became totally insane and vindictive towards my parents, and, with time, me.
For a while, my uncle would call randomly and would tell me that everything was fine between us regardless of the drama that was going on between him and my parents. Over Christmas, when we were home with my parents, Dan, Chickie and I went to New Jersey to visit Grandma at her daycare place, and my uncle had initially said that he would come meet up with us so he could see us and what not. Sure enough, right when we were supposed to leave the house, he called to say that he wouldn't be able to come see us because my aunt won't let him (he basically admitted this). Of course, when I was like, "I don't understand why I'm being punished for something that doesn't involve me," he was like, "Oh, it's totally not like that" but I think that's a load of bull. That man has no balls and lacks the courage to see what's right and what's insane.
He was there the day I was born and has always been the closest relative I've had. I haven't seen him for nearly 2 years-- the last time I saw him was at my baby shower when I was pregnant with Chickie. He's never seen my kid.
See this kid?
How could you consciously choose to not be a part of this child's life, especially if he were the spawn of your only niece? Chickie knows nothing about any of my family members except my parents. He will probably never know the people who, until recently, were such an integral part of my life. There's very little I can offer him in terms of where he came from on my side of the family. And, as life grows in my belly once again, I am reminded that this child, too, will probably never have that knowledge.
All of this said, I'm still sort of in contact with my cousin (only child of this uncle and wacko aunt)-- we agreed to ignore the drama and just be normal-- and recently found out that he's going to propose to his girlfriend at the end of April. So, will we get invited to this wedding? What will end up happening? Or will this huge part of my past be permanently edited out of my children's future? So, yes, pregnancy is a joy and it's something to celebrate, but it has also made me face what I've lost.
I have had a million mixed feelings about this pregnancy. No, don't get me wrong-- I want to be pregnant, and pregnancy is such a blessing, and I feel so thankful to have life in my belly-- but it has made me face a few things that I don't want to think about. When you get married, you start to think more about family and what family means and what family means to you, and that increases by about 20-fold when you have kids. A lot of my issues about this pregnancy have to do with my family, I think.
I am an only child. I think my mom entertained the thought of having more kids, but her post-partum depression was so bad that my dad basically laid the kabosh on that idea because she was apparently so damn unbearable. Sounds like a blast for all. My dad's family is really spread out across the country, and while I have a couple cousins that I like and with whom I'm in sporadic contact, I'm not really close with anyone in that family. That said, they love to tell me exactly what they think and exactly what I should be doing (and what I'm doing wrong) when I see them. I love it.
I grew up being really close to my mom's mom and my mom's brother and sister-in-law. Of our 8 grandparents, my Grandma was the only one alive at Dan's and my wedding, and she's still alive today... just demented. Ah, Alzheimer's. It's funny, because we actually found out that she was losing her memory/mind at the time of my wedding-- long and sort of funny story for another time. Anyway, over the past few years, a custody battle of sorts has developed between my mom and my uncle (and really between my dad and aunt) over my Grandma's care.
To make a long, ugly story short, my mom and my uncle only speak through lawyers now. You can trace the events back and see if someone should have done something differently, but ultimately, it comes down to the fact that my aunt is a crazy, controlling woman who has a really nasty, black-hearted streak in her. It's weird, because she always had a lot of affection for me and even gave me a HUGE check to put towards the cost of my honeymoon, but she always had issues with my mom. When shit hit the fan with my Grandma's care, she became totally insane and vindictive towards my parents, and, with time, me.
For a while, my uncle would call randomly and would tell me that everything was fine between us regardless of the drama that was going on between him and my parents. Over Christmas, when we were home with my parents, Dan, Chickie and I went to New Jersey to visit Grandma at her daycare place, and my uncle had initially said that he would come meet up with us so he could see us and what not. Sure enough, right when we were supposed to leave the house, he called to say that he wouldn't be able to come see us because my aunt won't let him (he basically admitted this). Of course, when I was like, "I don't understand why I'm being punished for something that doesn't involve me," he was like, "Oh, it's totally not like that" but I think that's a load of bull. That man has no balls and lacks the courage to see what's right and what's insane.
He was there the day I was born and has always been the closest relative I've had. I haven't seen him for nearly 2 years-- the last time I saw him was at my baby shower when I was pregnant with Chickie. He's never seen my kid.
See this kid?
How could you consciously choose to not be a part of this child's life, especially if he were the spawn of your only niece? Chickie knows nothing about any of my family members except my parents. He will probably never know the people who, until recently, were such an integral part of my life. There's very little I can offer him in terms of where he came from on my side of the family. And, as life grows in my belly once again, I am reminded that this child, too, will probably never have that knowledge.
All of this said, I'm still sort of in contact with my cousin (only child of this uncle and wacko aunt)-- we agreed to ignore the drama and just be normal-- and recently found out that he's going to propose to his girlfriend at the end of April. So, will we get invited to this wedding? What will end up happening? Or will this huge part of my past be permanently edited out of my children's future? So, yes, pregnancy is a joy and it's something to celebrate, but it has also made me face what I've lost.
4 comments:
Wow...what an honest and thoughtful post! You have such great insight. I hope that it felt good to write those thoughts down and get them out of your head. The love you have for your kids is so evident and so powerful. You want them to have the experience of knowing your family and experiencing all the love and joy that they have to offer. I know that this family rift has been tough on you and on your whole family. I sincerely hope that things improve soon. Maybe, as you say, things will get better with the upcoming marriage of your cousin. Maybe it will be an opportunity to reconcile and to introduce your kids to your Uncle. But, no matter what happens, your children will have your wonderful stories and memories that I know you will share. They will also have your culture and the ideals that were passed down to you from those very important people in your life.
It is so true that you start thinking about family and relationships more when you have children of your own. You are a wonderful mother and I have no doubt that your TWO beautiful children will know how important family is from what you tell them and from the example you set for them.
okay, you need more readers. because this shit HITS HOME!
(btw, i've never really understood the term navel-gazing until now. thank you for that. i think.)
first off, let me tell you that i had a FUCKING TON of mixed feelings when i was first pregnant with keira. first and foremost? the fact that she was going to take my attention away from my precious first-born. i hated her for that - almost from the womb. (i don't really hate her, but i think you know that.)
secondly, every family is fucked up. whether you are an only child, have an ailing octogenarian with alzheimer's in the family, or an aunt who is a sociopath.
bottom line? your kids will do great no matter what. because they have what is most important - a loving mom and dad. you do what you can when it comes to the rest of the family.
p.s., don't get me started on my in-laws, but you know that. ;)
How poignant! I am so sorry! I think every family I know has a story much like yours - perhaps a sad commentary on the dark side of human nature. My first reaction - print out your blog and send it to your uncle. (Of course I don't know him, but maybe if he heard the truth from you he would see what he is losing....). And, try to keep up with your cousin as best you can.
I was in the middle of such a feud as a kid, and the fact that some of the players refused to involve the kids is why I am close to the family now - I was not responsible for the actions of others and some wise people recognized that. And Kat and MOFM are right - you have given Chickie and will give the new baby all of your values, and culture and traditions and most importantly, LOVE, and it will be alright eventually. But it sure hurts now. Much love.
thanks so much for the wisdom, ladies.
kat-- yes, you're right-- i can share my stories and memories, and i know that i can ultimately shape my children's ideas about what family is. it's just hard to re-create those ideas when i feel a bit disillusioned and bitter. we will see what happens with this wedding and if we will even participate... it's so hard to know right now.
MOFM-- yeah, every family has issues, no matter what, and you have to just love your kids as best you can and try your best to protect them from the bad stuff. thanks for the validation around mixed feelings-- always good to hear!
aunt manya-- believe it or not, my uncle knows all of this. i said this to him when he called to tell me that he "couldn't" come see me around christmastime. i basically said everything i wrote in this post, and he was like, "i wish it didn't have to be this way, and i hope one day we'll get to see each other again, but i don't know when that will be". so, really, the man is a total coward and has decided to obey his insane wife instead of doing what he knows is right in his heart. i know it's his loss, but it does hurt right now. glad to hear that in your situation the adults were mature enough to not punish the kids. that i and my child are being punished for other people's actions is unfair at best and downright mean at worst. but c'est la vie, right?
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