Judgie Wudgie was a Bear

A few days ago, someone started a thread on the JP Moms listserv about this article. In case you don't end up reading it, it's an opinion piece from the Globe about Gisele Bundchen's idiotic comment about how there should be a law requiring women to breastfeed for the first 6 months of their baby's life. Needless to say, the article condemns the comment as ludicrous, judgmental, narrow-minded, etc. and goes into the never-ending, all-too-familiar, breastmilk vs formula discussion. The author concludes, as she should, that everyone has to make their own choices for whatever reason, and we have no business judging other people for the choices they make. Well, duh.

Well, except we DO, don't we? I know I always reference Sex & the City (come on, it's fabulous), but I will again-- remember when Carrie walks in on Samantha blowing the World Wide Express Guy? Yeah, “Joe-- Tuesdays and Thursdays.” And then she finally admits that yes, “I did judge you-- but just a little” after Samantha proudly declares that she will blow whomever she wants whenever she wants as long as she can breathe and kneel. Anyway, Samantha's like, “Oh, honey, I judge me, too...”

So, yes, we judge ourselves to DEATH. That's the thing about parenting that I keep coming back to. Well, that and the choices we have to make always seem like shitty choices. I know I always come off as a Negative Nelly on this blog, but in all truth, I do feel like the first couple years of your child's life are really freaking hard, and for me, having 2 small kids has been pretty damn brutal at times.

So, when I read this thread about this article, something clicked in my head-- I think the past year has been so tough because parenting 2 very small children is often a thankless job. There's a lot of hard work, a lot of exhaustion, and a lot of energy expended, but not a ton in return. No, don't get me wrong-- there is an immense amount of joy in watching your baby smile, grin, giggle, clap her hands, dance in her chair, and say, “mama”. There is a ton of joy in watching your little boy sing along with your favorite songs, ask to cuddle and read a book with you, ask questions about how rain makes flowers grow, and say, “you're my friend, mama”. Lots of joy. It's freaking rad.

But there's a ton of other shit that TOTALLY sucks (literally and figuratively). You all know what it is-- you know, lots of contact with smelly poop, nipples chewed up by a shark baby, the endless tightrope walk of dinnertime after a long day. Babies and very young kids aren't going to say, “Thanks for changing my nasty diaper, Mommy! Thanks for driving to 3 Target stores to find pants that fit me. Thanks for continuing to breastfeed me even though I can't figure out how to nurse without hurting you. Thanks for making me a quaesadilla for the 6th day in a row.” And on and on. When you have a job outside the home, your boss, ideally, will tell you when you're doing a good job, but your kids don't usually do that, and that's totally OK-- it's not like I'm expecting them to. Your 3 year old is definitely not going to say, “Don't worry, Mommy; you're doing a great job raising me, and if I'm screwed up a little, it's really not your fault.”

No, I think we need to hear that from other parents, and this is why it sucks when we judge each other. Way too many people have this underlying assumption that they know what's best for other people and their kids. Sure, some of these people are well meaning, but seriously, think before you open your mouth. I've been amazed at how quickly people tell me what they think I should do and how infrequently people will ask me how I feel.

One mom who posted a reply on the JP Moms thread commented that she was amazed at how brutally competitive parenting can be, and she's so, so right. Maybe it's because we don't get enough positive feedback directly from our kids that we seek it from others by always having to show the world what our kids can do-- “Look! My kid is already reading and he's 2!” or whatever. And yes, I'm totally guilty of this as well-- I'm no saint. It's almost as if our kids and our parenting choices manage to eclipse our identities, so we hang our worth on them. Or maybe I'm just projecting like hell, and the rest of you are saying, “Uh... maybe... but maybe you should just chill out about this...” Maybe :)

Or maybe it's the insecurity we feel-- or the insecurity that I'll admit that I feel. I'm happy to tell you that I think my son is pretty smart for his age, but when I do so, it's usually in the context of, “He's a smart little dude, but he's quirky as hell and super spirited.” Maybe I'm guilty of comparing myself to other parents, but I know I'm not the only one who falls into that trap.

So, STFU, Gisele. Parenting is tough enough without Judgie Wudgie the bear.