365 Days

A year ago tonight, I went to sleep and woke up in labor-- real labor, not the prodromal madness that had been going on for the previous 3 weeks-- and SJL was born less than 3 hours later (hence the L for lightning...)

And it's been a really tough year, to be honest.

Don't get me wrong-- it's not all bad. Quite the contrary. I have a happy, healthy, robust, laidback baby girl who is lovely and luscious and full of smiles and baby chub. She's so damn interested in her world and never misses a THING and always wants to get into whatever her brother is up to. She's tough and spunky and quickly learned how to grab handfuls of Chickie's long locks and yank away to get what she wants. She has a few words and communicates well, probably because she and I are still joined at the hip, and I kinda somehow usually know what she wants just because, well, I'm her mama.

I have a freaking KICKASS 3 year old boy. The kid is so damn awesome. He's really come into this great phase where he's super inquisitive and really listens to your answers to his questions and retains information about the world and just craves more more MORE. More words to songs, more names of trains, more reasons why the sun doesn't "go to sleep" like we do. It's amazing to watch his little mind grow and grow every freaking second. Sure, the sensory stuff is still there, but so much more positive stuff is growing and eclipsing the annoying shit that he can't quite grow out of.

But the sad thing is that I'm no longer the center of that 3 year old boy's world. Not like I was a year ago tonight. I was far and away Chickie's favorite-- his ultimate source of comfort. Ultimate. And it's just not the same anymore-- I'm not always the one to go to him when he needs something at night, and I'm not always the one who gets up with him in the morning. I'm not the one who always puts him to bed at night. In my heart, I know that having a sibling has been a great gift for him-- and really, I can already see this, especially as the two of them interact more and more and play together-- but of course, a part of me fears that SJL's invasion f-ed him up for life. This is, perhaps, my only child cluelessness speaking...

But now, I never, ever take his affection for granted. That kid is like his dad--you have to wait for it and earn it and never, EVER ask for it or expect it. That's the quickest way to make that kid push you away. You have to be patient and cool, and he will come to you when you least expect it. We got in a big fight last night about something, and he ended up wailing and WAILING for his daddy, and I finally stopped fighting about it and let him to go Dan, and of course, I felt defeated and shitty about it. Later, after Dan had put him to bed, Dan said that Chickie wanted me to come in and say goodnight. When I walked in, he said, "I don't want to be upset with you ever again!" Oh.my.GOD. Mommy is a melty mess all over the floor.

But what else did I do with this year? Yes, I survived a year with 2 very, very small children. I met my goal of nursing SJL til her first birthday, despite everything that made me feel like there's no way we could make it. But we made it.

I left a job that I created and loved. Yes, I'm about to start working a little again, and that's great, but I still really miss that old job of mine. I still miss it. Ah yes, the choices we make as parents are just shitty choices. But I managed to bush-whack through the SAHM world and avoid getting locked up on a psych ward, and I guess that's an accomplishment! I think ultimately, I am just not cut out for staying at home full time-- no disrespect to moms who do (quite the contrary, in fact), but I think I missed that gene. This isn't to say that I regret my choice-- I don't think I do-- but I'll say again that this has been one tough, tough year.

And I know in my heart that I'm a good parent-- I do know that. And somehow, I made it through this year, the year that everyone said would be the hardest.