Ahh, blogging was much easier to do before I had 2 babies. More time, more energy, more to speculate about. Lately, whenever I've thought about potential blog posts, all I can think about is how tired I am and how I just feel like complaining or gratuitously navel gazing.
But anyway-- here I am again, and here's what's been going on in my head:
They hired someone to fill my position, and she started this past week. So, it's no longer MY job and MY program. Guess I should just get over that since I chose this path for myself, right? With time, I know I will. Peggy O'Mara, the editor of Mothering Magazine, wrote a great essay called "There Will Be Time". It's basically about how one day we'll have time to leisurely read a paper and sip our coffee and do all those things we can't do right now because we have young children who need so much of our time and attention. So, yes; hopefully, one day, I'll work again. I have lots of ideas of what I could do and where, but that's another blog post.
But really, I feel conflicted about just about everything. Ah, yes; this is what comes over me a few months after my babies are born. With Chickie, it happened nearly right away-- the tears, the weeping, that gut-wrenching feeling that was so visceral yet unexplainable, the feeling of desperate isolation, the longing for anything "normal", the fear of inadequacy, the deep rooted nagging worry that I would never be a good mother. (Reminds me of the post-it that was on my monitor during finals at grad school-- it said, "It doesn't have to be good; it has to be good enough." That just doesn't cut it when it comes to being a parent, though, right?)
But this time, before SJL was born, I knew what could be coming. I was armed and powerful with the foresight I didn't have with Chickie (well, save my negative-nancy warnings from my mother about how debilitating her post-partum depression was, and how she once found herself staring out the window at the snow for hours. Come to think of it, it must have been pretty bad, because I was born in March, so if she was watching snow like that, I must have been close to a year old...) and had all my supports in place before SJL was born. Most importantly, I had an amazing group of friends that I hadn't had when Chickie was born. As one of them remarked recently, "Wow, isn't it great that we're not dating anymore??" Yeah, it was kind of like dating back then-- trying to sit next to the moms you knew would be friends, hoping they'd come to the next moms' group, seeing if anyone wanted to meet for coffee, etc. But we're friends now, and we have been for a long time. I have an acupuncturist, a lactation consultant, and an amazing group of friends.
So, I didn't see it coming.
I think there's a great deal of silence around the post-partum period and the transitions of motherhood. Throughout pregnancy, we always talk about labor and delivery, labor and delivery, labor and delivery. Well, labor and delivery lasts a day, maybe 2 or 3 if you're unlucky. But really, it's a couple days out of your life, and it's a blip in the course of the life of your child and your life as a mother. But no one talks about what it's like to be a mother, what it's like to be responsible for a small child, and what immense changes your life will undergo. Sure, everyone says, "Oh, your life changes forever." Well, that's about as meaningful as telling someone that childbirth hurts. No fucking clue until it's happening to you. You think you'll embrace labor and meet its pain with goddess-like strength, and then you find yourself braying like a barnyard animal feeling like you're splitting in half and wondering how you're still alive. You think you'll embrace motherhood with humor and grace, and then you find yourself feeling trapped, impatient and anxious.
But I knew all this this time around and still didn't see it coming. I thought I was doing myself a favor by quitting my job, and while I don't regret my choice, the transition has been harder than I had thought. And this is where all the conflicted shit comes in-- I spend all my time with my girl. All.My.Time. And this is what I chose-- I chose to stay home with her and focus on being a mom without feeling like I was stretching myself way too thin with working. SJL is generally an easy baby, definitely easier than Chickie was at this age.
But here's the thing-- I feel like I'm supposed to enjoy all the joys of motherhood-- after all, how many people said, "Oh, you'll enjoy it!" when I said that I was leaving my job to stay home? Just about everyone. No one ever says, "Be careful you don't lose your shit", you know? But I do know how fast it goes, and I really DO want to enjoy myself and have fun, and sometimes that actually happens (more on that in a minute).
But, like I said, I'm with her all the time. She naps best when I cradle her on one arm and sleep with her. It's lovely and cozy and wonderful, and this is why I chose to stay home-- to lie down and sleep with my little girl while she's a baby, because she'll only be a baby once, and I know how fast it goes. I don't want to leave her and go to work, but man, I do want a little break. But to do what? I feel like I'm so tired that I don't even have the energy to exercise. And she's not a BAD sleeper-- she's 5 months old, so it's normal to expect her to wake up a couple times at night. But I'm so damn anxious that I'm not sleeping well, and the insomnia that has nagged at me on and off ever since I could remember (made me an avid reader and writer as a kid and an avid drinker as a teenager) is back with a vengeance.
So I guess I'm trying to break the silence around the reality of the post-partum experience. I know for a fact that so many women struggle with this, but why do so few of us talk about it? Why is it that everyone seems like motherhood suits them just fine and that everything is so damn cute and easy and happy and funny? Why is it that no one seems like they're about to lose their minds with boredom and exhaustion? Why does everyone have patience and creativity and humor? And then I think that maybe everyone *isn't* pretending and faking it, and that's when I wonder if I'm really nuts. Like Liz Phair said, "If you do it and you're still unhappy, then you know that the problem is you...." OK, maybe she's not the best person to go to for advice.
When I was working, I always felt stretched too thin, and that's why I chose to stay home-- so I could focus on being a mom. Well, now I have no excuse when I feel like I'm a crappy mom-- I can't exactly blame it on my job, right? And I know I'm not a crappy mom-- you don't have to tell me that. But it's like telling someone with an eating disorder that they're not fat-- it's not what you think; it's how they feel. And there comes that feeling of inadequacy, that feeling that I'm just not that good enough, that I'm just not cut out for this. It seems like it all comes so naturally to so many moms, and I feel like I'm always struggling.
And don't get me wrong-- I have good days, fun days, capable days, rock star super mom days. Days where we go for long walks and see friends and play random hip hop in the car and cook dinner together (Chickie loves to help cook when he's in the right mood). SJL looks at him adoringly, following his every move, cooing at him and brandishing her rattle at him. Chickie loves to pick up her toys when she drops them, insisting that she "hold it! HOLD IIIIIIT!!" and even being very sweet when she cries, telling her, "it's OK, don't cry" and then shoving the toy into her hand. He calls me "cool mommy" and makes me pretend cookie pizza sandwich soup. He lines up all his little animals and gives pretend lessons about each one. His tantrums are generally better, and I feel like we're really turning a corner with his behavior and how we deal with it.
But still, my hormones win. Or is it the weather? Or the fact that I can't deal with transitions?
And really, what the hell is the measure of a "good" mother? The amount of milk we can make? The number of snacks in our purse? How quickly we lose our patience? Whether our child says please and thank you? Whether our child hits other kids at the playground? Whether our child sleeps through the night? The age at which our child weans? Whether we can sing songs, draw pictures, nurse a baby, clean the kitchen, and cook a meal simultaneously?
Or is it just that we do the best we can in every moment? My head says yes, but my gut wonders if that is in fact really good enough.
10 comments:
The best thing I can think to tell you is that you are not alone. And you will come out the other side. I had wicked bad post-adoption depression with my daughter starting when she was 5 months old. I didn't even know it was 'a thing.' Every time I hear another mom talk about it it helps me heal a little bit. THANK YOU.
Oh, my Monsoon Mama, I so wish I could come over and give you a giant hug and tell you that I so totally understand what you are going through, and that somehow it will all turn out ok in the end. But I can't be there, so I will instead leave a few thoughts.
First, yes, being a "good enough mother" ABSOLUTELY cuts it... a British psychiatrist (this dude named Winnicott) basically made his entire career by coining that exact phrase (and a few choice other ones), and SO MANY mothers, including myself, have clung to it like a life raft. We just have to be good enough. Really.
I've also been struggling with this good mother question A LOT lately, and basically what I have come to (at least for now) is that being a good enough mother means keeping our kids safe, and letting them know they are loved. The rest are just details, and don't really matter. (Having said that, I harassed the crap out of Josh tonight about whether or not Frieda had enough milk today I can't help myself!)
I would really love to get together soon, even if we spend the whole time bitching and kvetching (or maybe especially if we do!). I have Frieda on Tuesdays and Fridays... maybe we can make something work soon??
zozosmom-- thanks. yes, while i do know that i'm not alone and that i will come out the other side, it helps to hear that, again and again. i strongly believe that talking about PPD and breaking the HUGE silence around it is a big step towards healing. glad that you are feeling better these days!
adj dis-- you are lovely and wonderful. yes, let's play soon. lots of options both with and sans babies-- i will email you. yes, i'm familiar with the winnicott thing and believe it in my head but have trouble in my heart if you know what i mean :) thanks for all your sweet words.
I have been thinking along these same lines myself. I wonder if the postpartum adjustment is just a lifetime of adjustment, since I'm fairly well out of the postpartum period. I told Matt that I'm not sure I like spending time with our kids. It doesn't help that they're both feeding off of each other with their mommy clinginess lately. I can barely handle it.
I feel totally isolated most of the time, and the bright shiny happy days have been very few and far between (and usually involve me with only one kid for the day). I don't have a network of mom friends and I'm really lousy at meeting new people. (Matt and I joke that we don't like people...but may be that's why I'm going to become an accountant.)
Anyway...no real point to that ramble, except to say you're not the only one. And I guess it's not giving much hope for improvement! :(
Divya, your writing brought me to tears. Thank you for speaking your truth. I've identified with you since we met at the new moms group. I wish that my PPD wasn't so bad that it's gotten in the way of us spending more time together. But seriously, I always felt like I was the only one who couldn't hide the fact that I was bored and exhausted and not able to keep my shit together. I never had the energy to put out there to make new friends, and found myself feeling worse after going to playgroups. Feeling more isolated, more self-critical and inadequate. I've found that spending time with people who knew me before I was a mommy has been really helpful. People who know who I really am before all this crisis and upheaval help me remember what my path is. Also, I've found a wonderful therapist who is no bullshit and tells it like it is about motherhood. She's helped me tremendously in my relationship with Alasdair and I feel stronger and more confident as a mother...at least more of the time than I used to. So, we're off to FL on Wednesday for a week, but for real this time, let's get together.
Wow, I really hope being "good enough" is okay because if not, I am really up sh*t creek! Thanks for your insightful and honest post. Motherhood is the toughest job out there and you are NOT ALONE in your feelings. I am not sure why people don't discuss these things. I think there is a lot of shame and guilt around feelings of just not wanting to be around your kids sometimes or feeling impatient and stressed, as you pointed out. I am one of those people who always says I love being a stay at home mom. And I do in the sense that I would rather be doing this than working right now. I don't miss working outside the house and I enjoy the freedom I have in my schedule to be off when my husband had the day off or to just take off to visit family without having to worry about getting time off from work. But, as far as enjoying the day in and day out monotony that can come with the job, I don't. Those people that seem perfect and happy every.second.of.the.freaking.day are all lying, acting, and putting on a show. Having a kid is hard. Having 2 kids is harder. And the stakes are so high if you mess up. I think we all just do the best damn job we can and pray that our kids will turn out despite our own shortcomings. In the meantime, just know that your experience is not unique...you are not crazy... and you are truly a great mom. Wanting time for yourself or time away from your kids makes you healthy and well adjusted, not a bad mother.
You're so not alone on this! And I really wish more women talked about how incredibly hard it is. I am curious how long you felt this way with your first?
Right now, I work 3 days a week and feel like that is a great balance between having time with the baby (I only have one though) and having time to not have to be a mom for a few hours at a time (and man, am I looking forward to my son's first birthday cause I am excited about not having to pump every 2-3 hours every day!)
Re the depression, I suspect that it is partly hormonal and that every woman's experience is different. But I can definitely relate and my insomnia from anxiety is bad enough that I am thinking about trying an anti-depressant after hearing from several friends of mine who have babies and toddlers who say that it's been super helpful for them.
This is my first baby and I was soooo unprepared for how hard it would be. My own mom seemed to absolutely thrive on motherhood and I just sort of assumed I would, too...
hang in there and thanks for being honest.
have you read either Ayelet Waldman's The Bad Mother or Anne LaMott's Operating Instructions? Or a way more oldschool read is The Mother Knot by Jane Lazarre (author is of our parents' generation and I think things were even harder then!) I recommend them if you have not already read.
one more thing. my boss (a woman in her late thirties with two small kids and a VERY full time, high powered job) told me that she read about a study that showed that having children actually makes women less happy (think that was the gist) so I think we're actually in the majority!
exactly how to reconcile this study with all the parents of adult children I know who say unequivocally that having kids was the best thing they've ever done is hard to figure at this point but I guess it's something that will become clear over time (and as the kids get older!)
oh, thanks so much, mamas. it's so good to talk about this and get it all out and not feel totally nuts.
jen-- yes, i agree that it's much easier with one kid. i'm looking forward to the day where one child's presence doesn't directly interfere with my ability to care for and enjoy the other one. i've been told that it gets much easier as they get older, so i'm looking forward to that! as for feeling isolated, i'm sorry that that's been the case for you. clearly, we should hang out more! what are your days at home again?
evyan-- just sent you an email so we can hang out. for real.
kat-- yes, i agree that most of those moms are just putting on a show. i told you what my awesome therapist said, right? that all the super functional and perfect moms i know were coming to her "this isn't what i expected it to be" group on the sly. very validating to hear. and another day has gone by without me calling you. ack! this one got away from me...
eve-- hard to say how long i felt shitty after anand-- it was different because i was working (3 days a week, and i too thought it was a great balance then). and yes, it will be wonderful when you're not pumping all.day.long. that's one of the reasons why i felt like i couldn't go back this time, honestly. i too have thought about an anti-depressant for the anxiety-- we'll see how it goes. _operating instructions_ is on my nightstand to read! everyone says it's great. i do know that everyone says that the first 2 years of your child's life are VERY hard on your sanity and your marriage, so i do trust that it gets easier with time. i hope things get easier for you! thanks for the support :)
This is a great post. (thanks carla) My first year of having 2 was really the hardest year I have lived so far. The little moments of bliss I had shared with my first seemed impossible to share with my second. I was just so darn tired all the time. I said stupid things to people I had just met, could never feel in control, would have times were it was all I could do not to break down into tears when they would both be inconsolable. Fast forward almost a year and things are completely different. I read 2 NYT articles on my iPhone while drinking coffee this morning and my kids played with their toys and sometimes together. They follow (more often than not) basic instructions. I can take them out to restaurants( Sort of). I see many things only getting easier.
But last year.... It felt like I had somehow been demoted from my previous job and taken on the third shift as well. So much greater of work load, much less autonomy and my coworker-in-crime (husband) was just as slammed as I was, so we were having a hard time supporting each other. But we fumbled through. And it really is getting better. It helped me a lot to repeat to myself that I was putting my time in upfront as I had my kids 1.5 years apart.
Id say keep your chin up, but it's better you rested your head when ever possible. Cheers.
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