Today is my last official day at my job. HOOOOOOOLY SHIT. Of course, we knew the oh-shit-what-the-hell-did-I-just-do moment was inevitable, right? I guess it's sort of here.
Don't get me wrong-- I know that this is right. I really, really do. But just because it's right doesn't mean it's really damn hard. I'm going to wake up tomorrow morning without a job. How's that for a gratuitously dramatic sentence? I know, I know; I'm still me and I'm not losing my identity-- but here's the thing: the vast expanse is looming ahead, and right now, it's pretty freaking vast and expansive if you know what I mean.
Oddly, the "oh shit, look at the vast expanse" feeling is very similar to the feeling I had 10 years ago when I graduated from college-- the structure of life as I had known it up until that point was gone. For 22 years, my life had been based around a school year, and for the first time, that structure was gone, and I suddenly had this weird ability to do whatever I wanted to with my days. Well, not exactly-- I had my awesome just-out-of-college job where I made $9.84 an hour to do emotionally and physically exhausting work that pretty much got me to where I am today, so I can't really complain. And I met some amazing, fabulous friends with whom I'm still in touch, and when the work day was done (early-- like 3:30), we'd go back to my apartment and drink and do other fabulous and illicit stuff and watch "Office Space" again and again. I lived 3 blocks from work in a 4 bedroom dunghole in Allston with 3 friends and paid $1600 (total) in rent. Of course, there were always like 8 people in the house and it was impossible to take a shower when you needed to. Someone was always throwing up from drinking or having sex in the shower. Well, not always, but that's what it seems like when I think back on it.
We had a TON of fun in that house-- we threw a party for my 23rd birthday where I was so drunk that I lost a contact lens and didn't realize it until I had been digging around in my eye for about 15 minutes while trying to take it out. My dearest friend Laura had to sit me down on the toilet and shine a flashlight in my eye, only to proclaim, "Um, there is NO contact in your eye, honey." I miss Laura. I should give her a call.
It ended up being a really freaking fun year in that house, but when I first moved in during the summer of 1999, I had to recreate my life completely and figure out what the hell I wanted to do with it, basically. It was the first time that I actually had to make things happen for myself instead of just doing what I knew I was supposed to do-- go to school, namely. I was full of all that who-am-I-where-am-I-what-is-life angst. Ahh, youth is wasted on the young, right?? Well, not completely-- like I said, we also had a really good time.
Anyway, fast forward 10 years. (No, I really didn't mean to write an homage-to-the-Allston-days post!) I have minimal patience for navel gazing now, but it's amazing how much of that I've done lately. So, once again, I have no structure. Well, that's not totally true-- it's amazing how much structure you can have when your toddler lives and dies by his routine, but it's not the same as having a job and having to be at work on time. And that's one of the reasons I decided to not go back to work-- so that we could have more of that laid-back vibe in our lives. But it's more than just the day to day structure-- it's the larger sense of not knowing when I'll work again and what I'll be doing. The idea of having to start all over again and fix my resume and write f-ing cover letters is unimaginable, so, yes, I know; I shouldn't even think about it now.
One of the reasons I decided to not go back to work was so that I could be present where I am and *not* have to worry about what's coming next. I know myself really well, and I really suck at doing that.
Other tidbits of news...
1) Chickie said, "You're a cool Mommy" today and actually said, "I love you, Mommy" completely unsolicited and out of the blue. Ahhhhhhhh, bliss.
2) Gail, my amazing amazing life-saving LC, came to visit today and worked her healing magic. The woman hung the moon, I swear. We had been having a few nursing challenges, and she was super helpful. And, of course, she had to throw in a comment about women living in caves and other community-based cultures-- I was talking about how Chickie's having a hard time, and she was like, "Of course. This is all still so new, and if you lived in another time or another part of the world, you would just be coming out of your tent, and he would have been cared for by friends or relatives." So true. Ahh, that village thing.
3) I have put in calls to a couple folks who do cognitive behavioral therapy type stuff with preschoolers since I am really running out of ideas with Chickie. I need more tools in the box. Big time.
I think that's it for now. I'm going to wake up a SAHM tomorrow. And it is what it is, so I guess I should stop thinking about it and just let it be what it's going to be, right?
5 comments:
Wow - I feel your pain and ambivalence. And, I've been there! I also know that, despite your non 'go with the flow' personality, you will be glad you did it some day. (It's one of those jobs where you see the benefits later!) And, who knows, going with the flow may become enjoyable. By the time you are ready to go back, you may find that you have reinvented yourself - that you want to do something very different. I have seen it happen. In working with refugees, I found that the unbelievable idea that they could try another path, or do something they enjoy as a hobby was new, but that sometimes it led to doing something they really enjoyed and that fit their life. I think you are courageous and wise. I admire you for making the decision - you can always change your mind, too, if it turns out to be wrong.
I think you should dabble in writing. You write so well, in a way that is so natural and universal - I don't know that anyone could not feel what you express. (Many of the comments to your blog posts reflect this.) Maybe there is a book in you, as they say, and maybe that is something you can hammer away at when you need some alone time or thinking time.
As to Chickie, I think he will come around. He is just a more reflective type, and he may need more time. And in a way it is hard for him to bond more with Josie because she does not do much. Do special 'big brother' things with him that Josie cannot do 'because she is a baby.' He is a sweetheart and once she becomes a bit more interactive it may prove easier for him.
I think you are terrific and I am so sorry I did not get to see you and meet SJL at TG. xoxo
Hey Divya,
Man, I think it's been awhile since I left a note. I think I'm even belated to say CONGRATS on the birth of beautiful SJL. So amazing and fantastic. And I hope you find the life change (staying at home) really great.
I did the same thing as you... worked until my second was born. It was a really hard decision to leave a job I really liked at the time and I remember feeling so disoriented my last day of work.
I was thinking the other day that one of the most amazing things about staying at home during this period is that Chickie and SJL will be together. I knew if I put Alex and Iris in daycare, they'd be separated into different rooms. Alex and Iris, while they can be total enemies, are also so completely and mostly in tune with one another, it's one of my favorite things to see. Some days I really miss the office, the career, the paycheck, the hot coffee, the coworkers, etc. But it will really be nice to go back when I'm ready and the kids are ready, not a moment sooner. And I know it's really going to come quickly. Even when you stay home with them, it goes so fast!!!
Best wishes on the big change! I'm rooting for you!
As a former Allston-ite with that awesome post-college job, just wanted to say that I am very happy to hear abour all these changes in your life. Congratuations and enjoy!
Found your blog via SWMama. So glad I did. Love your writing. Welcome to the world of SAHMness. :)
Great post! How is it going??
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