Running Up the Down Escalator

As some of you know, I work with new parents and provide postpartum support.  Lately, I've been feeling more and more frustrated by what I see as an industry that preys upon new parents (specifically, new moms) and teaches them to listen to so-called experts instead of listening to their own instincts.

Does any of this sound familiar—

"How's her sleep?"

"How often is she waking up?"

"You're not still letting her sleep on you, right?"

"If you don't fix her sleep now, she'll never sleep later."

"You really don't want to set up bad habits."

"You need to teach her to become more independent."

I find all of this very frustrating.  Really?  You want a 2-month-old baby to be more independent?  You're talking about a baby, who is, by definition, dependent on you.  That’s not wrong; while it may feel suffocating and overwhelming at times, it’s kind of par for the course.  Really?  Habits can't be changed?  I respectfully disagree.

Why all this advice and questioning?  Sure, some of it is unsolicited, but much of it isn't.  Many new moms are constantly asking questions about sleep, feeding, and basically anything that can reveal more about this tiny, ever-changing enigma in their care.  As my own mom has said many times, "you didn’t come with instruction books", so, of course, we want answers.

That's worth repeating-- we want answers.  Of course we do.  Babies are a total mystery, and it's totally normal and understandable to want some sort of order amidst the chaos.  How on Earth do we get this baby to sleep?  To stop screaming all day long?  To fall asleep without using us as a human pacifier and chewing on us all night long?  How can we feel rested, normal, and sane?

On top of that, the public health lady in me will now direct you to the systemic piece of why we want answers: we're set up to fail without them.  In our less-than-civilized country, women get 12 weeks of maternity leave, and that's it.  We are told that "breast is best" and are legally guaranteed a clean place to pump, but that's about it. Employees are often not guaranteed the TIME to pump, so space only goes so far when you don't have time to do it.  In addition, working when you're exhausted just plan old sucks.  Many infants sleep go through disruptions around 4 months, around the time when women return to work, and moms are often exhausted and desperate for ways to get more rest.  We are told not to bed share, even though families around the world bed share safely (just on a personal note, I always hated bed sharing with my kids, but many mamas swear that it's the only way they can get real rest.  For tips on safe bed sharing, Dr. Sears is a great resource).

Also, consider this: in other parts of the world, and in different times and cultures, women were/are surrounded by people (often women) who care for them and their babies during the postpartum period.  They can sleep when they're tired, are fed when they're hungry, and are around people who can give them support, assistance, and guidance.  Sure, all of this sounds rosy and idyllic, and, in reality, I’m sure it’s often not perfect, but think about this-- for many of us, were we regularly around breastfeeding women before we did it ourselves?  Had we witnessed a birth or helped care for a newborn?  Do we see extended family members on a regular basis?  Probably not. So, we’re dealt a double-whammy: we face the pressures of going back to work and high societal expectations, and we also lack the support and wisdom of the “village” that will help us raise our kids.  Like I said, we’re set up to want answers and to fail without them.

So, more about wanting answers--

Because so many folks want answers, there's an industry out there that essentially preys upon vulnerable people and tells them what to do.  They say, "we're the experts; listen to what we're saying" and will promise more sleep, less fussiness, better development, you name it.  Of course, these so-called experts also threaten the converse: if you don't listen to their advice, you'll be totally screwed and your baby will grow a third eye, and they'll be sleeping in your bed in college.  Riiiiight.  Excellent use of fear tactics, in my humble opinion.

And, honestly, there's a market for all of this.  Here we are, a bunch of over-educated, over-achieving, over-neurotic people who are used to succeeding at whatever we put our minds to, and now we're in the middle of something that doesn't conform to that approach.  But still, we try to "do it right" and read the "right books" and listen to the "experts" because that's what we've done up until now, and it has worked for us.  But just because you read all the books and do everything you're told to do, that doesn't mean that your baby will sleep.  It doesn't mean that you will make more milk.  It doesn't mean that your baby will stop crying or that you will get more rest.  It just doesn't necessarily work that way, and we hate that.  Listen, I'm a total control freak, and I hate it, too.

And, instead of acknowledging that parenting infants (and kids, really) doesn't work this way, and we don’t have as much control as we would like to have, we have an industry that tells people what to do.  Take this class, read this book, read this other book, buy this amazing product.  And, thanks to Amazon Prime, it will be at your door tomorrow if you order it at 3 a.m. in your sleep deprived hell... probably via your smartphone while you're up with your baby.  Don't get me wrong; I've bought random things at all hours while in the same state, but I hate that feeling of being duped and preyed upon.  (And yes, the Internet can also connect people, provide help and support, and remind us that we're not alone at 3 a.m.  Absolutely.  That’s worth mentioning here.)

Furthermore, the under-belly of this uber-culture that it can create this competitive thing among parents-- how many times has someone told you how many hours their child slept last night as if it's a badge of honor and that it's because they're a better parent than you are or because they did something right and you did something wrong?

So, at this point, you may be saying, “So what?  Why is this such a problem?  What's the big deal, anyway?  Who cares if any idiot on the Internet can be an ‘expert’ at 3 a.m.?”

Because all of this contributes to parents feeling like they're failing.  I can't tell you how many folks I see who are in tears because they are "doing it all wrong" by rocking their babies to sleep.  People often say, "I know she’s supposed to self-soothe, but she just wants to be held, and I know that if I can't get her to sleep by herself that she won't learn, and I'll create all these bad habits..."  Not likely.  That baby is 8 weeks old.  Of course she wants to be held.  Of course you're freaking out because you're going back to work in 4 weeks, but guess what?  4 weeks is 50% of your baby's life.  Things may change.  They WILL change, about 80 million times, over the next year.  That's the only thing you can count on.  The whole “habits” thing is a scare tactic and flat-out untrue.  Habits can always be changed.  Your child will not go to go to college needing you to rock them to sleep in your arms.  And, if they do, it will be their problem at that point.

So, what are you supposed to do?

I can't really tell you.  Well, sure; I have a bunch of ideas, and I'd be happy to share them with you and give you suggestions, options, and information.  But I'm not going to tell you what to do, and I'm definitely not going to tell you that I'm right or that I'm the expert on all things baby OR all things YOU or your baby.  What I will tell you is that there's a lot of information out there, and a lot of different approaches out there, and only you know what's right for you.  

Yes, you're probably going to go through some trial and error, but you'll find something that works for you, your baby, and your family.  It may not be easy, but I promise you that you will figure it out.  I will always tell you to trust your gut and your instincts and to tune out all the voices telling you that you have to do XYZ, because the biggest piece of parenting is figuring out how tune IN to your instincts and to trust yourself.

“OK,” you say, “but what if I just want answers-- really, I just want answers after everything is said and done?  And I'm fine with crying-it-out and all of that?  And I don't have time to read all the books!  Just simplify it for me.”

I get it.  Everyone is different, and, like I said, you should do what's right for you.  But please, whatever you do, if someone tells you that XYZ is what you *have* to do, or that if you don't do XYZ thing with your baby, you will regret it later, I encourage you to disregard that advice, and, ideally, get a second opinion from someone who won't tell you what you're supposed to do and who will instead meet you where you are and listen to you.  Please, I am NOT telling you that you have to breastfeed on demand til your child is 10 or co-sleep until they leave for college or that crying-it-out will damage your child.  If that's what works for you, please go with your gut.  Just please do what you do (regardless of what you do) because it's what feels right for you and not because someone told you that you should or you have to.

And about the desire for someone to simplify it for you—I get that as well.  You’re tired, overwhelmed, and dealing with lots of changes, and the last thing you want is for someone to tell you to “go empower yourself” and read tons of books and figure everything out on your own.  It would be erroneous and unfair for anyone to place that sort of burden on a new mom.  Also, it’s easy to give out “easy” answers; it’s much harder and much less lucrative, in my experience, to tell someone that you don’t have the answers but would be happy to help them figure out a solution to the issue they’re having.  I’m not criticizing new moms for wanting simple answers or for seeking information; rather, I’m criticizing folks who do nothing but tell new moms what they should do.

For example, your pediatrician, as well-meaning as he or she is, is an expert on pathology and illness.  I don’t at all mean to knock pediatricians-- I mean to highlight their primary expertise (treating sick children) and recognize the limitations of their knowledge, training, and practice.  They often don't have the time to sit down and talk about all the alternatives to "crying it out" or supplementing with formula; they are focused on the baby's weight gain and getting the baby to sleep, and they assume that the mom wants to sleep and will give her a one-shot "solution" that they believe that she must want.  No bad intentions, necessarily; just lack of adequate, time, training, and resources to approach common problems in different ways.  One size doesn’t fit all, but it does if you don’t have the time to look at all the alternatives, and that’s unfortunate.

And now, the public health lady in me will direct you to a systemic solution to a systemic problem: ideally, there would be a lactation consultant and postpartum doula in every pediatrician's office.  Those folks would have the time to sit down and go through all the information, resources, and options with a mom or family.  Insurance would pay for all of this, and, if need be, that person could also visit the family in their home and provide additional support.

All too often, postpartum women fall through the cracks as far as emotional healthcare goes; they see their OB or midwife once or twice by the time they're 6 weeks postpartum, and that's pretty much it.  How often does an infant see the pediatrician in the first year? Very frequently, especially in the first 2 months of life.  Options for improving maternal emotional health and outcomes are endless, as this public health lady sees it.

Yes, this post is long.  Yes, I'm really opinionated.  Yes, you may think I'm nuts.  I often feel like I'm shouting into the wind and running up the down escalator, but I'm just telling it like I see it, and I see it a lot.  When will we figure out how to empower new moms AND to provide the systemic supports they need?  When will we stop focusing on "success" in parenting and instead on nurturing wellness, providing support, and building community?  And when will we figure out how to help women trust themselves?