Slowly Un-sticking Myself

I haven't managed to blog much this year, mainly because I've been stuck in the process of un-sticking myself from the goo and gunk of the quagmire of the past 2 years. But I'm getting there, and for the first time in a really long time, I feel normal and good and productive. Not quite sane, but who knows if I ever was to begin with, right? :)

The other reason why I haven't blogged is because I feel like most Mommy blogs I read are annoying. No, I don't mean to sound catty or nasty or anti-woman (because we all know I'm so damn anti-woman, right?? please--) but I feel a little tired of reading about everyone complaining about this or that. Sure, of course I've done my share of complaining-- uh, read pretty much everything I've ever written, right? But maybe I just feel like I don't want to complain about the mess or lack of sleep or food on the floor or tantrums anymore. And, then again, maybe I'm just not reading the right blogs :) Feel free to suggest! Everyone loves that Dooce woman, and I think she's kinda trite and annoying. Ooh, sorry to be so catty! I didn't mean it that way.

The other thing I feel more and more is that much of what isn't of the complaining variety is of the righteous variety, i.e. "this is why it's SO important to have a natural unmedicated waterbirth"" and "this is why green living is the ONLY living" and "this is why timeouts and structure hamper children's growth and development." Or maybe I'm just cranky in my old age :) Feel free to say so. And pass a cocktail over, will you? Thanks. I just feel like we put so much pressure on ourselves, and I hate it when everything I read tells me what I'm doing wrong or why what I'm doing isn't good enough. I will say that I'm more secure about my parenting choices than I have been in the past, but still... it just bugs me.

So, maybe I still can't figure out exactly what my voice is here, but whatever. Enough of that. Actually, you know what that reminds me of? You know that part in "Singles" (come on, you know you love that movie) where Kyra Sedgwick meets Campbell Scott at that club, and he goes up to her and is like, "I wanted to come up and talk to you, but I didn't want to act in XYZ way, so I figured that I have 3 options..." and he goes on to talk about having "an act" or not, etc. And she says, "well, I think that a) you DO have an act, and b) not having an act is your act..." and something and all. It's great. Remember that part at the end when they finally get together, and she shows up at his door, and he's like, "what took you so long?" and she's like "I was stuck in traffic." Freaking priceless. I heart 1992. Wait, what was the point of that? Oh, finding a voice, not having a voice may be having a voice, bla bla bla. Who really cares.

Sunday marks the first anniversary of my grandma's death. A year ago, when she died, I was amazed at how much of her I started to remember, and I still feel like she's much more alive to me now than she was in the 5-7 or so years before her death. I hear her voice more, I remember her words more, and I have those sensory experiences like remembering smells, sounds, and just *feelings* of times I had with her. The visual stuff, not so much, but I don't know whether that's because smells and sounds are more powerfully connected with memory, or whether it's because I'm much more of an auditory than a visual person.

But I remember the feel of a old library book in my hands and how the plastic cover would crackle when I opened it. I remember sitting upstairs in the children's section of the Norwalk Public Library and having her read "The Best Loved Doll" and "Bread and Jam for Frances". I remember hearing her sing Hindu Bhajans (devotional songs) while I would dry my hair with this old conair blow dryer in the pink bathroom of the house I grew up in.

As I have gotten older, and especially now that I have kids of my own, I am really struck by the process of seeing your parents and elders not just as parents and elders, but rather as human beings who had to make tough choices and decisions and figure out how to do intense shit like parent, make a living, buy a home, etc. There are so many things I wish I could ask Grandma about the choices she made and how she figured things out.

But anyway, that is what it is. In other news, I'm running the New Parents' Support Group at Mama & Me, that group that I thought I'd no longer get to run once my dear friend was back from maternity leave. It's a great group, and we have at least 20 people each week. Great group of women--super supportive and lovely and kind. The Second Time Moms' Group I started back in December is taking off, and we have at least 7 or 8 people each week, often more. We have a wonderful group of mamas who love the group and look forward to it each week, and that's just fabulous. It also feels really great to have started something from nothing and to have seen it through to fruition AND to know that it's the only free group of its kind locally.

I'm working on my post partum doula certification (no, sadly, I couldn't find an agency that would certify me to be a professional friend, but if you have any info on this, give a holler...) and hope to be done with that soon. I've been doing some reading and prep work and am hoping to start a childbirth education certification program soon as well. It feels good to be back into women's health work in a way that's sustainable with where my life is now and where my interests lie. Teaching sex ed is wonderful, but I feel like it's time to move on, in a way.

So, that's my long and long overdue post. Off to fold laundry (and insert complaining about the other stuff I need to do...)